Pregnant With Hope

Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.  When I was young my family and I always spent the day after Thanksgiving picking out a fresh tree, and decorating the house for the season.  As an impatient child I couldn't wait for Christmas Day.  I not only counted-down the days, I even begged my parents to allow us to open presents early!  It wasn't until I was grown and married that I began to appreciate Advent.  And yet I still don't think I've realized the full power of this season.
Yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent.  As I sat in the pew at worship and perused the bulletin I noticed a section describing our Advent Wednesday activities and one particular phrase caught my attention... and my heart.  It said, "Advent (or "coming") marks a season of preparation as we prepare our hearts... to receive again the gift of the Christ child.  It is a time when we are 'pregnant with hope.'"  Pregnant with hope.  In an instant I found the phrase that describes exactly what I'm feeling, that has been so very difficult to describe to those who have no experience with the long, emotional journey of adoption.  But before I go further into that, I have to take a little tangent.
Our first interview with our social worker was today.  Naturally she asked us why we've chosen to adopt.  We retold the heartbreaking story of our struggles to concieve our own children and the painful conversation with the urology nurse wherein we were told that we were 'asking for a miracle.'  (Surprisingly this story becomes less and less painful to tell each time we tell it.  Even more surprising, I think, is how natural, albeit frustrating, this process has become to us.  In a way it simply must be, for this is the only way we will get our 'jamaa,' our God-given family.)  As we were recounting doctors visits and numerous procedures and prescriptions, she asked if we were 'okay' with all of this.  To which I responded with what I wrote in this blog back in February regarding grief.  Is any adoptive mother ever really 'over' grief?  Who's to say?  I do not imagine that even after finalizing an adoption, there isn't even the smallest part of an adoptive mother that doesn't feel just a tinge of sadness at not experiencing one of the most incredible things our bodies were designed for.  However, us adoptive mommies get to experience the growth and birth of our babies in a way that no other mother could ever understand - one that grows so intensly in our hearts.  Anyway, as a result of our interview today we were able to take a HUGE step forward in this process and our 'jamaa' feels more and more like a reality.
So back to Advent.  During this season words like coming, waiting, promise, and hope hang in the air.  I know I'm far from being Mary and our baby certainly isn't the Christ child... but I can't help feeling that this Advent was created for us.  To teach us to not only be okay with the waiting, but to find joy, hope, peace and holy anticipation in this waiting.  Our jamaa is coming.  A great and gracious gift is coming to us and, like Mary, I find myself whispering, "God, who is mighty, has done great things for me, and Holy is God's name."  Alleluia!